dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
