You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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