if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
