We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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