Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
