I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
