I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
