I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
