Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
