It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
