Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
