I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
