I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
