FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
