Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
