It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my shit smells like andre
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
