Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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