do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
