You smell like stripper and shame
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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