It's Friday. Sex?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
