my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
