I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
