I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
