how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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