Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
