That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
