I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
