I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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