the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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