Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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