i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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