I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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