I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
