I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
