Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
