GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
