and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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