He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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