Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
