It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
