About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
