At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
