I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
