im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hippo gnu deer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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