Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
