Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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