I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
