So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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