Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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