I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
