life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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