She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
